英語幽默故事
❶ 英文幽默故事
Marriage Proposal to Bernard Shaw
Once a beautiful and dissolute British actress wrote to propose marriage to Bernard Shaw． She said she did not mindBernard Shaw's old age and ugliness because he was a genius． And if they could combine the beauty of the woman with the talents of the great man，that would be greatly harmonious． 「With your wisdom and my appearance，our children must be perfect．」
Bernard Shaw answered，in a letter，that her imagination wassplendid，「But，what if the children take my appearance and yourwisdom？」
向肖伯納求婚
英國有位美貌風流的女演員，曾寫信向肖伯納求婚。她說，因為他是個天才，她不嫌肖伯納年邁醜陋。假如能使女郎的美貌和超人的天才結合，那該是多麼協調啊。「咱們的後代有你的智慧和我的美貌，那一定是十全十美了。」
肖伯納給她回了一封信說，她的想像很是美妙，「可是，假如生下的孩子外貌象我，而智慧又象你，那又該怎麼辦呢？」
❷ 英語幽默故事
Peter
dozed
off
while
his
teacher
was
talking.
老師正在講課，彼得打起瞌睡來了。
Teacher:
Peter！Tell
us,
what's
the
biggest
in
the
world?
老師：彼得！你說說，世界上什麼最大？
Peter:
Well,
well....eyelids....
彼得:
嗯……嗯……眼皮……
Teacher:
What？Eyelids？
老師：什麼？眼皮？
Peter:
Yes,
sir.
Because
as
soon
as
I
shut
my
eyes,
the
eyelids
cover
everything
of
the
world.
彼得：是的，老師。因為我眼睛一閉，眼皮就把世界上所有的東西都遮住了
Late
one
night
at
the
insane
asylum
(瘋人院）one
inmate
shouted,
"I
am
Napoleon!"
Another
one
said,
"How
do
you
know?"
The
first
inmate
said,
"God
told
me!"
Just
then,
a
voice
from
another
room
shouted,
"I
did
not!"
瘋人院
一天晚上，在瘋人院里，一個病人說："我是拿破崙！"另一個說："你怎麼知道？"第一個人說："上帝對我說的！"一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來："我沒說！"
❸ 英語幽默小故事50字左右（帶翻譯）
Q: Why won』t the elephant use the computer?
為什麼大象不玩電腦？
A: He』s afraid of the mouse!
他害怕老鼠！
滑鼠和老鼠的英文皆為mouse。
mouse [maʊs]n. 滑鼠；老鼠；膽小羞怯的人
2.A much worried patiant walked into the doctor's office and asked for help。
"Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday."
"Oh, don't worry! All you have to remember is not to smoke in the next few days." The doctor said.
一位很焦急的病人走到醫生辦公室尋求幫助。
「醫生，我不知道該怎麼辦。昨天我不小心喝下了一瓶汽油。」
「哦，不用擔心。你一定要牢記未來幾天不要吸煙就行了。」醫生說。
3.A man was hit by a cab in the street.
He was brought to the hospital.
His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."
"I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor,
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."
"Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
一個男人在街上被計程車撞倒送進了醫院.
他的妻子站在他的床前對醫生說:"我想他傷得很厲害."
醫生說:"我怕他已經死了."
聽到醫生的話,這個男人轉動著頭說:"我沒死,我還活著."
妻子說:"安靜,醫生比你懂得多."
4.A man goes to church and starts talking to God.
He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
And God says: "A penny".
Then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?"
And God says: "a second",
Then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?"
And God says "In a second".
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.
他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"
上帝回答:"一便士."
男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"
上帝說:"一秒鍾."
最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"
上帝回答:"過一秒鍾."
5.Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny?
Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
6.Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」
「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。
「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。
「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」
❹ 關於英語的幽默故事
Three Surgeons 三個有名的外科醫生
Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist." "That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."
"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."
三個有名的外科醫生正在吹噓他們的技術。「一個人斷了一隻手，他來找我，」一個說，「如今那個人是個音樂會的小提琴手。」
「這算不了什麼，」另一個說。「一個傢伙兩條腿斷了，他來找我，我將它們接了回去。如今，那人是馬拉松選手。」
「我比你們兩個都強，」第三個說，「一天，我碰到一起可怕的車禍。除了一個馬屁股，和一幅眼睛，什麼都沒有留下。如今，那人坐在美國參議院里。」
一天3個人比賽射擊。A，50步射中某人頭上的蘋果說：I am A。B，100步射中說：I am B。C，150步，開槍後說：I am sorry.
❺ 英語幽默故事帶翻譯
The Old Cat
An old woman had a cat. The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old. One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mouse. But she could not bite it; so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it.
Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse. She began to hit the cat. The cat said, "Do not hit your old servant. I have worked for you for many years, and I would work for you still, but I am too old. Do not be unkind to the old, but remember what good work the old did when they were young."
【譯文】
老貓
一位老婦有隻貓，這只貓很老，它跑不快了，也咬不了東西，因為它年紀太大了。一天，老貓發現一隻老鼠，它跳過去抓這只老鼠，然而，它咬不住這只老鼠。因此，老鼠從它的嘴邊溜掉了，因為老貓咬不了它。
於是，老婦很生氣，因為老貓沒有把老鼠咬死。她開始打這只貓，貓說：「不要打你的老僕人，我已經為你服務了很多年，而且還願意為你效勞，但是，我實在太老了，對年紀大的不要這么無情，要記住老年人在年青時所做過的有益的事情。」
A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat." Then he took the apples and threw them away into the st.
He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river."
He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the st and eat them.
Do not throw good things away; you may be glad to have them at some other time.
【譯文】
一個人正朝著一個富人的房子走去，當他沿著路走時，在路的一邊他發現一箱好蘋果，他說：「我不打算吃那些蘋果，因為富人會給我更多的食物，他會給我很好吃的東西。」然後他拿起蘋果，一把扔到土裡去。
他繼續走，來到河邊，河漲水了，因此，他到不了河對岸，他等了一會兒，然後他說：「今天我去不了富人家了，因為我不能渡過河。」
他開始回家，那天他沒有吃東西。他就開始去找吃的，他找到蘋果，很高興地把它們從塵土中翻出來吃了。
不要把好東西扔掉，換個時候你會覺得它們大有用處。
The City Mouse and the Country Mouse
Once there were two mice. They were friends. One mouse lived in the country; the other mouse lived in the city. After many years the Country mouse saw the City mouse; he said, "Do come and see me at my house in the country." So the City mouse went. The City mouse said, "This food is not good, and your house is not good. Why do you live in a hole in the field? You should come and live in the city. You would live in a nice house made of stone. You would have nice food to eat. You must come and see me at my house in the city."
The Country mouse went to the house of the City mouse. It was a very good house. Nice food was set ready for them to eat. But just as they began to eat they heard a great noise. The City mouse cried, " Run! Run! The cat is coming!" They ran away quickly and hid.
After some time they came out. When they came out, the Country mouse said, "I do not like living in the city. I like living in my hole in the field. For it is nicer to be poor and happy, than to be rich and afraid."
【譯文】
城裡老鼠和鄉下老鼠
從前，有兩只老鼠，它們是好朋友。一隻老鼠居住在鄉村，另一隻住在城裡。很多年以後，鄉下老鼠碰到城裡老鼠，它說：「你一定要來我鄉下的家看看。」於是，城裡老鼠就去了。鄉下老鼠領著它到了一塊田地上它自己的家裡。它把所有最精美食物都找出來給城裡老鼠。城裡老鼠說：「這東西不好吃，你的家也不好，你為什麼住在田野的地洞里呢？你應該搬到城裡去住，你能住上用石頭造的漂亮房子，還會吃上美味佳餚，你應該到我城裡的家看看。」
鄉下老鼠就到城裡老鼠的家去。房子十分漂亮，好吃的東西也為他們擺好了。可是正當他們要開始吃的時候，聽見很大的一陣響聲，城裡的老鼠叫喊起來：「快跑！快跑！貓來了！」他們飛快地跑開躲藏起來。
過了一會兒，他們出來了。當他們出來時，鄉下老鼠說：「我不喜歡住在城裡，我喜歡住在田野我的洞里。因為這樣雖然貧窮但是快樂自在，比起雖然富有卻要過著提心吊膽的生活來說，要好些。」
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老師:為什麼你每天早晨都遲到?
湯姆:每當我經過學校的拐角處,就看見一個牌子上寫著"學校----慢行".
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」
❻ 英語小故事 笑話
英語笑話（一）
Q:
What's
the
difference
between
a
monkey
and
a
flea?
A:
A
monkey
can
have
fleas,
but
a
flea
can't
have
monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Q:
How
can
you
most
irritate
a
farmer?
A:
By
treading
on
his
corn?
如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」，也有「雞眼」的意思。
Q:
Which
is
the
strongest
creature
in
the
world?
A:
The
snail.
It
carries
its
house
on
its
back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？
Q:
What
do
people
do
in
a
clock
factory?
A:
They
make
faces
all
day.
一看到make
faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面。
Q:
How
do
you
stop
a
sleepwalker
from
walking
in
his
sleep?
A:
Keep
him
awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk
in
his
sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。